Episode 5: Happiness vs. Happiness

This past weekend, we got a chance to spend some time with some good friends of ours who happen to live just a few miles from where we are currently located. They have a daughter who is the same age as our son, who is also in the business. They worked together on a project for two months this past summer and our time spent sitting on set gave us all time to get acquainted with each other. Her father and I had some really good conversations about our experiences in this business and it was really refreshing to be able to talk to someone who understood what our lives had become. There was one issue in particular that I thought would make for a good topic for this week’s post.

When we are between the ages of 5 and 18, going to school is our top priority. In addition to getting our education during this time, we are also learning how to behave socially. How to deal with other people. How to behave in social settings. It’s also where most of us meet and socialize with our friends. But what happens when school isn’t there? Or when it is there but you’re not able to experience the socialization process like everyone else because there’s something about you that sets you apart from the other kids? This is another great example of something that parents of child entertainers deal with on a daily basis.

Our friends’ daughter is in junior high school. She has been in the business since she was about 6 and has done numerous projects, including television, feature film, and Broadway. Though she does have a couple of what one would call “true Friends”, her adjustment to junior high has been more difficult than the average kid. No other child at her school does what she does so it’s difficult for them to understand what it’s like. Think back to your junior high years. That time was difficult enough, what with the ever-changing hormones, the need to fit in, and the feeling of being “stuck”. Not quite a little kid anymore, not yet a teenager.  Now, imagine that in the middle of all of this, you are also an actor who gets more attention than any other kid in the school. Not that you want the attention. You don’t think you’re any better than anyone else. You just love to act and happen to be good enough at the age of 11 to do it professionally. So, whenever you complete a two month national tour of a play or finish a three month stint on Broadway, you return to school as an outsider. Some kids avoiding you because they aren’t quite sure how to take you. Some being mean to you simply because they’re jealous. That’s pretty tough for a kid to deal with. But as a parent, what do you do? Do you remove the child from the school and place them in another? Won’t the same issues eventually arise? Do you take your child out of school altogether, going the home school route? What if you’re not able to home school?

My son’s issues concerning school are on the other end of the spectrum. As I stated in an earlier post, we have relocated to another state, so him going to his junior high school with his friends wouldn’t be an option to begin with. But more importantly, the show that he is working on requires him to be on set Monday thru Friday. Therefore, his “school” is an 8x10 room (ok, it’s a little bigger than that) that he shares with his 13 year old cast mate and their tutor. We get to the studio between 8 and 9 am and during the day, he is either on set filming, or in the classroom. There are no other kids on the show and his schedule doesn’t allow for him to be in situations where he would meet other kids his age. On the few occasions that he has been places where there are other kids his age, i.e. the mall or the movie theater, they already know who he is and instead of interacting like kids normally would, they are asking for pictures and autographs. Every so often, he talks about missing his friends and his desire to just be a normal kid at a normal school. But in his next breath, he mentions how much he loves what he’s doing and would miss this if it were to end.

My wife and I tell him often that this isn’t something that he has to do. (Although he must fulfill his obligation to this show because he made a commitment) He can stop acting anytime he wants. But he always says that he doesn’t want to stop. He loves it. He just wishes he could do it while living in our house, going to his school. Now, knowing that you only want what’s best for your child and that you want them to be happy, what do you do? In our situation, there aren’t many options. Whenever it comes up, I talk to him about how sometimes we have to make sacrifices to achieve the things we want to achieve. About how there’s a price for everything and that the price for him being able to live his dream, may be that he has to spend time away from his home, his school, and his friends. My wife has been looking into activities that he can do on the weekend, but again, how does a celebrity make “new” friends?

As I always mention in my posts, this is not a complaint. It’s just another issue that parents in this business have to deal with. While I’m not happy that our friend’s daughter has to go through what she goes through at school, it does make me feel good to have them in our life.  As parents of these child entertainers, we share a common bond. Our kids are happy doing what they do. They would also be happy just being normal. Maybe together, we can figure out the answer to the question: How do you weigh your child’s happiness against your child’s happiness? Stay tuned.

Episode 4: Not better…Not Worse…Just different

So, one of the things I want to accomplish with this blog is to give some insight into what life is like for a showbiz parent. Not only the ups and downs, (there are plenty), good and bad, (plenty of that as well!), but also some of the typical day to day stuff. Once your child enters the business, you are presented with a whole new set of responsibilities in addition to being a parent. You see, kids like Justin Beiber, Victoria Justice, and Miranda Cosgrove may generate more revenue than the Gross National Product of some small countries, but at the end of the day, they are just kids. Unable to enter into a contract, not old enough to sign a rental agreement, not mature enough to make decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, it is our responsibility to handle these things…in addition to being their parents. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about…

In the two years that my child has been in the business, he has had jobs in three different states. His current job required us to relocate permanently. Now, while he is the one people see on television every week, he isn’t the one who signed the lease for our apartment. The utilities aren’t in his name. He doesn’t write, sign, and mail his commission checks to his manager and agent. He can’t call the Actor’s Credit Union to check on his Coogan Account to verify that the proper amount is going in every week. These are some of the added responsibilities that the parents take on. Also, one parent must be present with the child at all times while on set.

Some parents will hire outside help to handle these things. Business managers for the financial things. Lawyers for the contracts. Some even hire people to act as legal guardians to be with their child on set. While hiring help is an option, my wife and I never considered it. We felt that it was our responsibility to do what was in the best interest of our son. What’s best for him is that we are involved with everything so that we are always aware of what’s going on. Not to mention the fact that extra help brings extra expense. When this is all said and done, I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him that we did the best we could at protecting him and his interests through all of this.

Like every other parent on the planet, were are also making decisions everyday concerning our children. These decisions are no more important than ones made by parents who don’t have kids in the industry, in terms of how they may affect our kids. We just seem to be judged more than other parents. Some examples…

A project comes in that looks like it could be a major career boost but the dialogue is not something a 12 year old should be saying. Does he do the film or not? I mean, he is an actor.

Your child wants to buy something that costs more than a lot of people make in a week. He works hard all week on set and in the classroom and he can afford it. Do you let him buy it, or not?

Child labor laws restrict children to working a certain number of hours per day. The 2^nd AD on set comes to you and asks if they can keep your child for 20 extra minutes in order to finish a scene. You pull your child to the side and ask how they feel. They say they feel great and want to continue. What do you do? If your child was attending a regular school and played on the basketball team, you would encourage them to stay after practice and work on their game. Is this any different?

Whenever you visit your hometown, there are always requests for appearances and interviews but your child just wants to be a kid and hang out with his friends. You want him to understand that it’s important to give back but at the same time, you want him to be happy. What do you do?

These are just a few scenarios that we have experienced. It’s interesting because as parents, you have certain rules that you raise your children by. You will not use that kind of language…If you want to buy that, you have to do extra chores and save your money…you have to be willing to put in extra work if you want to be successful…etc. But this industry is a different world and the key is to try and raise your child, by your rules, while trying to survive in this world. It’s not always easy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Those of you who have kids know that it’s tough being a parent, no matter what! I just wanted to share a little bit of what it’s like for us. How we worry about the same things every other parent worries about. How raising our kids in this world, is different. Not better…not worse…just different. Stay tuned.

Episode 3: Hollywood vs Parenthood

Let me preface this post by saying that I hope that I don't come off as judgmental. I simply want to chime in with my perspective.

So this morning while getting ready to head to the studio for the day, I was listening to a story on the Today Show about Lindsay Lohan's latest troubles. People seem to revel in her misery but whenever I hear anything about her, I always think about the little girl in The Parent Trap and wonder, what happened? Most people are quick to say that it is the Hollywood curse of child actors. The "industry" is not made for children and they will all end up damaged in some way. This is interesting because from the outside looking in, it seems to be this way. But recently, I have had the opportunity to have this very discussion with two very popular former child actors. At the height of their careers, they were among the most popular in Hollywood. What they both said, at different times mind you, challenges the general consensus.

The first, who has had highly publicized run ins with law enforcement that included stints in jail, said that his problems had nothing to do with Hollywood. He said that his family life was out of order before he even got into acting. "In fact, I would go so far as to say that Hollywood probably saved me from self destructing sooner because it gave me a focus and a sense of stability that I never felt at home." He said that there has always been a misconception, in his opinion, about his troubles and how they related to his success as an actor.

The second didn't have the same issues. He credits his parents for providing a stable environment at home that allowed him to grow up as normal as one in the public eye could. He said that his father was on set with him every day, allowing him to grow, while setting and enforcing boundaries that all children need. "There's nothing in Hollywood that a kid can get that he or she can't get anywhere else. It's all about the foundation that you come from. If it's solid, you'll be alright."

So where does this leave us with Lindsay Lohan? As a parent, it pains me to see someone's child go through what she's going through. While at some point, we all have to take responsibility for our actions and choices, aren't the choices we make rooted in the foundation from which we come? If it seems like I'm judging the Lohan's, I'm not. I simply want to explore this issue at its core in the hopes that I can guide my child in the right direction. Stay tuned…

Episode 2: The Beginning...cont.

I figured I should probably start this whole thing off by giving a little background about where this all started for us. Our family is not originally from Los Angeles so the fact that my son has been fortunate enough to have worked in the industry as much as he has is really kind of crazy. But it just shows that it can be done.

Acting is not something that he has always wanted to do. When he was younger, 5 or 6, he was involved with a small playhouse theater that was located in our neighborhood. We put him in it for several reasons: we were new to the neighborhood and thought it would be a great way for him to meet other kids, we wanted to expose him to a variety of things growing up, thinking that he would eventually favor one over the others and that would become his focus (which is what ended up happening), there was also an arts and craft school at the theater, they also offered tap dance lessons, it was in the neighborhood so it was really convenient. They would perform some sort of play every few months and always had a really nice Christmas program. At the same time, he was also always playing some kind of sport. Basketball mostly but he also played baseball and football.

He kind of got away from the playhouse theater when he was about 8. No particular reason. I think he just kind of out grew it. He was still playing sports and it was at this time that he got involved with the student council and video club at school. The video club produced the morning show and he really liked being involved with that. Especially the days that he was assigned to on-air duties! We always encouraged and supported whatever he wanted to do. My wife and I have always thought that it was important for us to teach our kids that they can do whatever they want and they would always have our support.

At the end of his 4th grade year, he expressed to us his desire to do something other than sports for the summer. We found an acting school that was offering classes for kids during the summer and asked if he would like to try it. He did and found that he really liked it. He took classes once a week and always wanted to do any extra workshops they offered. We were happy because he was having fun and being introduced to something new. It turns out that he was pretty natural and as time went on, we started having to travel out of town for him to participate in showcases and meet agents. This is when things began to get interesting.

By this time, we were smack dab in the middle of the country's financial meltdown. Things were tight. Growing up, my parents didn't have a problem telling us that they couldn't afford to do something for us. "You think money grows on trees?!" was a common phrase in my house. My wife and I never wanted it to be that way for our kids. We worked hard to be able to provide them with the things they needed and wanted. Our son was a good kid. Very respectful, a great student. Why shouldn't he be able to do something that he was passionate about? So when he said to us that he wanted to be an actor, we said that we would do whatever we could to help him achieve that. This meant making tough financial decisions and sacrifices.

Over the next couple of years, we would travel up and down the east coast and out west in pursuit of his dream. Taking time off of work, spending bill money, putting our own dreams on hold. As of right now, my wife has left her job of ten years and I have given up a business that I started a few years ago so that we could be together as a family and help our oldest son pursue his dream. We have no doubts or regrets. We love our kids and would do anything for them. I just want people to understand that not all showbiz parents are raving lunatics. Some of us, like many other parents I suspect, simply love our kids. Stay tuned...

Episode 1: The Beginning

Hello all. Welcome to my blog. As you can tell by the title, I am the parent of a child who works in the entertainment business. My wife and I have two children, 12 and 4. Our 12 year old is an actor who is currently a regular cast member on a sitcom. He started acting about two years ago and has fortunately been very active in the business so far. These past two years have been interesting to say the least. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, but in a good way.
My desire to start this blog stems from a little frustration with the misconception that the entertainment business is bad for children and any parent who allows their child to be a part of it, must have selfish motives. While this is surely the case for some, it is not for us all. Most of the parents in the industry that I’ve come into contact with are in it for the same reason I am…to support our children.
This blog is a voice for those parents. As of right now, I have no set blogging schedule. I will simply post as I feel necessary. Stay tuned.